Glowing?

I was sure this time would be different. No way that I would have the same or an even worse experience, right?  Part of me truly believed this . I was not all that scared. Now I am just terrified.  It is week #10 of my second pregnancy. The last 5 weeks have truly been one of the hardest times thus far in my 34 years of life.  With that, many obstacles have been pushed through and each one teaching me the definition of resilience. There was the Christmas that wasn’t. Mom and Dad had NO MONEY whatsoever and simply was not able to celebrate Christmas up to my 8 year old standards. There was the on and off welfare just to provide food and medical care. There was paying for college, working up to 3 jobs, while still trying to sent money home to help out all that I could. There was the few heartbreaks that I endured to finally find the “right one”.  There were a few friendships that I realized were very toxic that I needed to break away from. These friends were like family to me during college and also after. One of these I regret not trying to “work it out” but I did what I felt was the right decision at that time. You live. You learn. Sure, Sean and I have faced some problems but we always come out stronger. My reason for the reflection is just to remind myself that I will overcome this as well. Times before have been tough but I always make it. You see this second pregnancy has basically left me bedridden. I have what they call hyperemesis gravis. Basically, extreme morning sickness. Most days I can barely eat or drink anything. As a result, I am dizzy, shaky, tired, upset, depressed, and miserable. Having an almost 4 year old adds an entire new layer to the problem. I have avoided leaving the house unless I absolutely have too. Play dates have been cancelled. My kids screen time is unbelievable and as the days continue like I am stuck in ” Groundhog Day”, the guilt is at an all time high. My saving grace is my amazing husband. He works at least 10 hours a day, comes home and takes over with Madeline. Most days and nights for me are spent in bed or on the couch. Sean is doing all the housework, laundry, grocery store, meal prep and childcare. I am just not sure how I can ever repay him. Before this pregnancy, I was an extremely independent person. It was me who recently dropped down to just working a few days a month so I could be at home with Madeline. I was just finding my niche with cleaning, playing, laundry, play dates, working out, preparing dinner, planning “date night”, keeping in touch with family/friends, etc. Now I can barely get out of bed without making a mad dash for the john. I feel like I am in hell. My identity has vanished. Nothing brings me joy. I am counting the minutes, hours and days until I can feel normal again. The title of this blog is ” run mommy run” and is laughable to me now as I suspect that running will not occur until after June 2014 but it does remind me to not give up on myself. I once did not believe I could run 3 miles in a row let alone 13. I will push through and come out stronger.