Stuck in the Middle with you

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This past weekend was filled with life lessons. Lessons that all good fiction novels contain. Family. Love. Hate. Lost. Hope. Anger. Sex. Friendship. Dedication. Preserverance. and cupcakes.

While I will not tap into an explanation of all of words above, maybe I will glaze a few of them for further details.

My Uncle G has had a life full of fear, sadness, anger and frustration. He was born into a very abusive (physically and verbal) father who was an alcoholic and wanted my Uncle to be all the things that he wasn’t. My Uncle is an alcoholic and was also not the best dad to his two sons. My Aunt divorced him after 20+ years of trying, trying and trying again. He is now recently out of a nursing home and is all alone. Any friend or family member that he once had contact with is now gone. Uncle has a facet of health issues that landed him in the hospital and then in the nursing home. Prior to this, my grandmother ( we lovingly call her GG for great grandma), who is 81, was doing everything for him. Taking him to and from doctors appointments, laundry, cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping and even paying his bills. My former social worker self was calling the red flag for enabling and co-dependence about 10 yrs ago but this is her son. Uncle needed help. He really had no clue how to do anything. GG did everything for him growing up. Aunt did everything while they were married. GG picked up the ball again after the divorce.

I remember Uncle as someone who loved to sleep, eat and listen to good music. My love for music started because of my Uncle. His record collection would make any collector drool. His home is where I first heard the names Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin, AC/DC, and Pink Floyd ( I could keep going but you get the point).

It is unclear to me at what point the bitterness of “what was not” took over. Uncle is a prime example of living in the past and being stuck in a cycle of regret, guilt, and sadness.

GG is no longer able or willing to live his life for him. She physically and and mentally can’t do this. My dear mother ( his sister) was supposed to step up and help with transportation to and from doctors appointments, grocery store and assist with helping him pay his bills but that has fallen through. GG has been staying with us since Thanksgiving and hoping she stays with us until Spring. GG worries and wonders how Uncle is getting along.  GG feels guilty that she has abandoned him, while all along he abandoned himself long ago.

Friday, while I was making “homemade pink vanilla cupcakes with homemade pink buttercream frosting with sprinkles”, per M’s request for her 6th birthday party, we got a phone call. The phone call indicated that Uncle tried to take his one life. This is the second known attempt in the past year. Gloves are off. All hands on deck. These hands will be mine with the love provided by GG. While I do not want to enable Uncle, I do want to give him the tools to help. It must be pretty scary to be all alone in this world and have no purpose. I am not sure what will come out of this situation. I may be placing a band aide over a wound that is fist deep, but I want him to feel like someone out there cares and loves him.  Isn’t that what all humans want and need anyways when you strip away all the bullshit?

Besides the Uncle situation, this weekend also painted a clear picture on how blessed I am to have my husband. While our marriage has been rocked before and I know will be rocked again, the solid foundation along with respect and love we have for one another, will carry us through. Someone we both love dearly is in not the best relationship. The past month has been full of arguments, breakups, makeups and then more breakups. The anxiety of starting over the fear of being alone is sometimes in the front seat driving the need to want to continue a relationship that deep down this person knows is not healthy. While my ears are open and my shoulder is available, my heart is aching for the lost self condifence. Finding someone else is easy; finding yourself is laborious. Some never do.

To end on a light hearted note… Week 1 of half marathon training is complete and successful.  All runs done. Some in the rain. Some in a group. Some at 5am. When I am not running, chasing the kids, or wasting time on Facebook, my new gig is watching “The Affair”.  My husband and I started this show over the holidays and I love it!

Be well. Be happy. Be you.

Author: Sherri

SAHM to two gremlins ( 3 and 7), runner, vegan(ish), yoga class taker, and lover of amazing coffee, wine and good conversation.

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