I have made the decision to cut the cancer out of my body. To stop watering the flower that will never bloom regardless of the amount of sun, water or soil. The door needs to be shut and locked. It may remain shut forever or not. For now, it needs to be shut. And stay shut. No more opening just a little bit and peeking inside. No more pulling it all the way open in hopes of seeing something different on the other side of the door. My heart knows what’s on the other side (or what’s not).
To mourn a relationship with your parents while they are still alive but dead is a tough feat. To continue hoping, praying and begging for love from them is harder.
God wanted me in this world and they are the mechanism that brought me here. They didn’t want to be parents. They still don’t want too. And thats ok. Coming to face with the reality of this is making me accept, forgive and even love them for who they truly are, not for the ghost of what I longed for them to be.
Looking back, I have always been an orphan of sorts. I had to be an adult many times when I should have been a child. I have had to be the parent when I was just a daughter. Joy, happiness and love were replaced by fear, rejection and doubt. I may have not had a childhood but I am choosing to have an adulthood.
While I can not undo, redo or take back … I can move on. The time is now. Now I will move on, leaving behind a relationship that is no longer serving my highest good. I will be brave with my head held high knowing that I no longer will need to live in a state of wondering what can I do to be loved, accepted and good enough. I am loved, accepted and good enough.
Sometimes flowers don’t bloom and we don’t know why. Even after more water, new soil and a different place to grow. Instead of focusing all of my energy on the one flower that is not growing, I am now choosing to nurture all of the other beautiful flowers around it. And the most beautiful flower of all- myself.