I am hands down a vodka girl. Love it many of ways but prefer vodka “chilled. up. little bit dirty with 3 blue cheese stuffed olives, please”. Any of my friends that have been with me when I order this lovely “just a little but dirty” martini looks at me quizzical. I know what I like when it comes to drinks, chocolate, and friendships. My standards are high and if the night is a good one, all the above happen together.
Last night, I was honored to host book club. We read “Girl on the Train” and one of my best gal pals (K) recommended having Gin and Tonics as the main character drinks a shit ton of these on a train, out of a can ( god love the British). With this being my first time hosting book club, I wanted to make a good first impression. I went to my local grocery store at 10am and hit up the liquor store. Along with the gin and tonic, I also purchased 3 bottles of wine, milk and goldfish crackers. The mid-sixities check out lady was a little taken aback but I think the goldfish crackers made her feel a bit at ease.
This is the first time I have ever had gin. I like it. I like it a lot. The lime+gin combo is pretty impressive. In fact, I am sipping on one at this very moment. Gin for me is another drink option but it also made me realize that other tastes in my life have changed as well. This coming from the girl who never had salsa until college ( I know, right!?!!). Sushi scared the crap out of me until I tried it in Mexico on our honeymoon ( Again. I know, right! Sushi and Mexico? Wat. ) Now I crave it. My husband is obsessed with hot sauce, hot peppers and anything spicy. After being with him for almost 15 years, I now have developed a taste for the hot sauce. Franks used to be too hot for me. Sriracha now keeps appearing on more and more of my foods
Now that I am mid-thirties, my tastes have changed when it comes to what I need from my relationships as well as what I need from myself. I have been beyond blessed with a handful or less amazing friends. Before, I wanted numbers. I wanted to feel popular and well liked. Pretty. And smart. I needed a lot of people around me to fill in the holes of my insecurities. A few of these gals (K and S) have been only in my life for the past 3-4 years but honestly, it feels like we have been friends beyond this lifetime. These gals are my mommy friends. I met them through a random picked playgroup when M was 2.5. Thank god for that playgroup. They have seen me at the highest and the very lowest points of my life, to date. My other BFF (C) was given to me in college. We met through a mutual friend of ours, a total hussy, leaving us at the bar to go home with randoms. C wasn’t going to leave me by myself. We bonded over said hussies never ending crisis filled life. C lives on the East Side and I only get to see her every other month or so but we connect every. single. day. In fact, C just got back from a family trip and I about lost my mind. Not to have communication with her was tough. C is rock solid. And bluntly honest. I love both and need both of these qualities in my ROD (ride or die) chicks. C,K,and S can look at me or hear the tone of my voice (or text) and call bullshit if I am pulling ” I am fine” while the tears are pouring down my cheeks or the rage is exploding out of my ears. They get ME. Let me be ME. They call me out of my hippy side but love it at the same time. They know when I am uncomfortable at another mommy event and stick by my side. They text me to remind me to get my run in, eat healthy or take sometime for myself. They listened to me complain for 9 lonnnnggggg months straight as this last pregnancy was my nemesis. We text/ email with good news, bad news, shitty news, happy news or even no news. We send each other funny articles off of scary mommy or huff post. They are sometimes the silver lining on what seems like the rain cloud that will not go the eff away. Without them, I would be lost. I would feel empty. I would be incomplete.
What I now need from myself is ever changing but this is also new for me. I used to be very uncomfortable to the limbo position. Being a Libra, my daily goal is to feel balanced. I am a very black/white girl. I am either 100% into being healthy ( running, yoga, vegan, water, mediate, sleep, read, sex) or- not. What I need from myself ( at this moment) is embracing the imbalance. Being in the moment with G as he wants me to play choo-choo instead of putting him off for one last flip of the laundry or loading the dishwasher. Its reading that one more story to M at night. What I need now from myself is playing scrabble with GG or listening to her favorite teenage story just one more time. Its staying awake to see my husband after work just to check in with him and see in his eyes if he is really doing “Ok”. What I need is to say yes to the things that make me feel excited and no to the events that I am just ehh about. What I need is to give myself grace. patience. kindness-if the day spirals out of control. What I need is to love myself. Fully. Deeply and unquestionable.
And if this doesn’t pan out, I still have gin and C, K and S.